'Natural' rivals? These interl...

With MLB’s Opening Day less than two months away, fans are beginning to peruse a schedule that looks … different. The league is implementing a new “balanced” slate this season, shaving down the robust haul of division matchups to allow each team to play all 29 other clubs every year.

In addition to the entertainment perks — every fan will have the chance to watch, say, Shohei Ohtani, even if they watch only their team’s local broadcasts — the changes will create a more level playing field in postseason hunts that now involve more cross-division competition thanks to the additional wild card added last season.

Mets vs. Yankees: Subway Series

Really, the platonic ideal of a rivalry name. It’s distinct to its city, alliterative and evocative of the crowded, up-close experience of New York baseball fandom. No notes.

Giants vs. A's: Bay Bridge Series

Cardinals-Royals: I-70 Series

Official policy: If a rivalry name has been burned into baseball history by a modern World Series meeting, it can’t be changed. The Giants and A’s famously met in the earthquake-interrupted 1989 Fall Classic, while the Cardinals and Royals played in the 1985 World Series that is remembered for umpire Don Denkinger’s crucial missed call. These are staying.

Cubs vs. White Sox: Crosstown Classic Red Line Series

Keyword from the above pair: modern. The Cubs and White Sox squared off in the 1906 World Series, but the Crosstown Classic was really a product of interleague play almost a century later.

OK, so Chicago’s clash doesn’t lack spice. The fans — and sometimes the players — get into this one whole-heartedly. Catchers A.J. Pierzynski and Michael Barrett provided an enduring image for the whole endeavor back in 2006.

Nationals-Orioles: Battle of the Beltway

Honestly, sure. It’s not so much classic as it is accurately dull. Befitting the bland non-rivalry of two teams whose biggest battle — the MASN kerfuffle — rages in boardrooms and courtrooms, this series can remain named after roads that go in circles.

Dodgers vs. Angels: Freeway Series

Is the idea of Californians talking about traffic a stereotype? Yes. Is it rooted in reality? Also yes. Much like Subway Series, this one makes too much sense to change. If you really wanted a backup, new for new’s sake, the Scioscia Series could work in honor of the Dodgers player-turned-Angels manager, but that would pale in comparison to the post-2023 possibility of the Shohei Showdown.

Reds vs. Guardians: The Ohio Cup The Horseshoe Series

I’m not sure there’s a more boring name than the Ohio Cup. Can you imagine if we called it the New York Cup? However, I understand the quandary. There isn't a lot to work with here. So let’s revive an old tradition of playing the game between the two cities — in Columbus — but do it in a way that Ohio sports fans will actually notice: Put all the games in Ohio State’s — ahem, The Ohio State University’s — football stadium. Adjust to weird dimensions. Profit.

Marlins-Rays: Citrus Series Yard Sale Series

Citrus Series has never caught on, and Goodwill Games was already taken. Still, the pursuit of secondhand, another-team’s-trash type talent really hits the vibe of MLB’s stingy Florida teams. One club, the Rays, has proven wildly successful at accumulating misfit toys and real-deal prospects by running a constantly churning, anonymous-looking machine of a 40-man roster. And the Marlins won two World Series, in their heyday, by selling everything that wasn’t nailed down and sifting through their proceeds for gold. 

Brewers-Twins: Border Battle Slab of Bacon Series

The annual clash between the Wisconsin Badgers and Minnesota Golden Gophers — rivals in the college football world — has spawned two excellent rivalry trophies. Right now, the teams play for Paul Bunyan’s Axe.

Phillies-Blue Jays: Halladay Series

Here's the obvious one first: The Phillies and Blue Jays share a franchise icon in the late ace Roy Halladay. Remembering “Doc” with an annual series and perhaps trophy in his honor seems like an easy call.

Braves-Red Sox: The Series To Be Named Later

Asked in 2007 if there is a “rivalry” between the Braves and Red Sox during another MLB scheduling push of this matchup, Chipper Jones said there was "none whatsoever.” And yeah, agreed. There hasn’t been much steam added in the years since, either, despite immense success for both teams.

Rockies-Astros: Globetrotter Games

The Rockies lack a true natural rival, and the Astros lost their best option for this particular purpose by joining the American League (home of the Texas Rangers) in 2013. Thus, we wind up with this marriage of inconvenience.

Rockies-Astros: Globetrotter Games

The Rockies lack a true natural rival, and the Astros lost their best option for this particular purpose by joining the American League (home of the Texas Rangers) in 2013. Thus, we wind up with this marriage of inconvenience.

Padres-Mariners: Deal or No Deal Challenge

This, by contrast, is a matchup of the moment. Freewheeling executives A.J. Preller and Jerry Dipoto have fashioned the Padres and Mariners into high-flying, fun and wildly unpredictable teams. They have done that, predominantly, by transacting at prodigious rates, including with each other: In 2020, they pulled off a swap involving Austin Nola, Ty France, Andres Munoz and several others that has proven momentous for both teams.

D-backs-Rangers: The Leather Series

We’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel now. History- and intrigue-wise, this wouldn’t crack the top three matchups between teams once managed by Buck Showalter. Even in the recent headline-grabbing sabotage saga at the Dallas Zoo, snakes were one of the few types of animals not involved.

Instead, we must look to the team names for inspiration. Snakes vs. cowboys (or Texas rangers) is actually a pretty solid trope, a man vs. nature plot common in classic Western books and films. So let’s keep it simple. The only thing between a venomous snake and a ranger’s ankle? The leather of his boots.